Brooching the Subject of a Mother Canada Goose Tour

Mid-August 2016, Anmer Hall. Early evening and Catherine (Kate), Duchess of Cambridge is searching her dressing table for the Queen’s diamond maple leaf brooch – a Royal heirloom the family share – ahead of her forthcoming Canada tour.

She is doing this rather absent-mindedly because she is also trying to decide if George and Charlotte should come. The invitation has been extended to all four Cambridges (not Lupo) but it’s a risk. What if George craps in the middle of the Yukon mountains? Charlotte vomits on one of the clean pavements? It’s making her so anxious, she has already spelt ‘Canada’ ‘candida’ a couple of times in a private email to her mother. (She’s just lucky this one didn’t leak).

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I am NOT suggesting the DoC has thrush with this picture. It is just, like her Grace, a rather nice bird.

William, Duke of Cambridge, is peeved, too. His father has bestowed upon him a specimen of a new breed of Canada goose from his Duchy estate, with which he hopes to impress the Canadian Prime Minister. He has entrusted his son with the task of delivering it safely. This initially provoked some fowl language from Will, until he thought, privately, that he might pluck it and save the feathers as the prices of goose duvets are truly shocking. (Also, Kate has been rumoured to enjoy foie gras but that’s better left to Morrissey). However, when he approached the bird with this in mind, something rather exciting happened. Seeing what the bird could do, he halted abruptly: the goose, he decided, is worth a bit more than a down payment on a 13 tog, no matter how luxurious.

Anyway, it’s fair to say, all things considered, the Royal couple are a bit effing stressed.

“Where is the sodding brooch?” sighs Kate, sipping her cognac and slimline tonic (a little indulgence she acquired a taste for in France on the family’s recent holiday) and rifling through a keychain. “I’m sure I put it back in jewellery box 567.”

“Have you checked George’s room?”

Why?” Kate narrows her eyes.

At the same moment, George wanders in wearing a nappy on his head. From somewhere deep in the absorbent folds, something sparkles.

“I’ll have that.” Kate plucks the brooch from George’s headgear.

“I was pACTising!” he wails.

“Come on Georgie,” William hoists his son onto his shoulders. “Let’s go and see if Charlotte’s ready for a bedtime story about bears. They have those in Canada, you know.”

Kate shoots him a look. “We haven’t agreed we’re taking the children (not, obviously, Lupo) yet.”

Will rolls his eyes. “They’d lighten the atmosphere,” he calls as he walks out of the bedroom. “Canadians can be quite serious.”

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This is, admittedly, rather an unfit looking mountie. Sorry to anyone who knows him.

Muttering under her breath about fit mounties being pretty unserious and the real issue being the Canadians thinking the Brits are boring as hell if you ask her, Kate holds the brooch up to herself in the mirror. Traditionally, the Queen, Camilla and she have worn it on their left breast but when Kate pins it on, it sags forlornly into the creases of her cashmere dressing gown. She tries the right side. Same. She frowns. It just doesn’t look very good unless it’s pinned somewhere pert. After two children, her boobs simply aren’t up to the task any more. Bugger it. She finishes her drink.

George runs in, closely followed by a toddling Charlotte. “Mummy! Daddy says there is a GOOSE in the kitchen!”

“What?”

“I told you,” William says calmly. “Dad packed her up really well – she’s just sitting on some eggs downstairs in a little cage. She’s going to be a mother soon, you know. I think if we put her in the fourth bathroom on the plane, she’ll be fine.”

“Why can’t she bloody fly to Canada herself? She’s got wings, after all – don’t geese migrate?”

“She’s a special type of goose,” Will continues patiently. “Dad’s spent three years honing her – I only discovered it, er, the other day. She can… um, she can… sing.”

Kate puts the brooch down and turns round. “What?”

“Babe, you’re saying ‘what’ rather a lot. It’s not particularly attracti…” Will stops as he sees the colour rise in is wife’s cheeks. “She can sing,” he finishes. “Nursery rhymes, mainly.”

Kate sits down on the edge of the bed. “Why?”

“Because…” Will looks shifty, “when Camilla babysits Charlotte and George, she’s often a bit hoarse from all that children’s book reading she does. So Dad invented a goose that can sing nursery rhymes to save her voice.”

The couple are silent for a minute or two while they watch their offspring playing next to Will’s trouser press with the golden eggs sent to George by the Sultan of Brunei on his birthday.

“Well, that was nice of him,” Kate says finally. “But I’m feeling really shaky about this whole tour. I’m worried George and Charlotte will play up. I don’t want to wear the bastard maple leaf brooch because it shows up my saggy tits. And how are we going to convince the Canadians we’re actually quite fun?”

Will looks at her with hope. “I’ve got an idea. Come with me.”

Knowing his is utterly reliable and does mix a bloody good cognac and tonic, Kate follows him to the kitchen. The goose peers, Gollum-like, out from under the table through the bars of her cage. Will reaches a hand tentatively towards the door catch and opens it. The goose blinks, stretches out her neck and rubs her cheek against Will’s thumb.

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A lovely bird (though without the dulcet tones of Camilla. Or the a-brooch-able nature of Kate).

Kate is entranced. “What can she sing?” she whispers.

“Any nursery rhyme you want,” he says, his eyes shining. “You just have to say the title clearly.”

Kate clears her throat. “Old King Cole,” she says, then holds her breath.

The goose opens her beak and a raspy, but in tune, rendition pours out. Kate looks doubtfully at Will.

“I know it’s a bit scratchy,” he soothes, “but I promise it works on the kids.”

On cue, the children arrive, breathless, next to them. “Mummy, was that Gracie I heard?”

“Err…”

“Yes,” says Will gently. “Gracie is coming with us to Canada. We’re all going (but not Lupo). And now,” he turns to Kate. “Do you feel a bit happier about everything?”

Looking at the brooch in her hand, Kate hesitates. “I think so,” she says finally. And although she is greatly relieved at the thought of the children being amused and the world falling in love with Gracie, she does fear that parading the goose around the Canadian territories might mean she needs a little extra sparkle so as not to be overshadowed by another lean bird.

“How about this?” she says, reaching behind her and pinning the maple leaf on her pert posterior.

“Let’s have a gander,” says Will, as Kate waggles her tail.

“Oh, I say,” he grins. “Honk, honk!”


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38 Comments

  1. August 12, 2016 / 11:03 am

    ahahaha, how do you manage to write such genius posts everytime; whilst looking after 2 children, 2 dogs and writing a book! How? Another honking (sorry, not sorry) good post. I now want to try cognac slimline tonic too 😉 #FridayFrolics

    • August 15, 2016 / 7:46 pm

      Aah, thank you Emma! I also want to try cognac slimline tonic. Only problem is I have NO idea when I’ll be able to afford a bottle (seriously!) So it’s cheap wine for me for now!! Thanks for hosting #FridayFrolics

    • August 15, 2016 / 7:50 pm

      Haha! I know – they scare me rigid in real life! Thanks for hosting #FridayFrolics

  2. August 14, 2016 / 8:40 am

    This is so funny – as always. Perhaps the funniest yet, for me. Miss-spelling Canada in e mails, the cognac and tonic, the brooch on her saggy boobs…brilliant 🙂 Alison x #KCACOLS

    • August 15, 2016 / 7:50 pm

      Oh, thank you Alison – I’m so, so glad you liked it! 😉 #KCACOLS

  3. August 15, 2016 / 6:37 pm

    Lots of funny lines and hidden gems once again:) Makes me laugh with each post.
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

    Mainy x

    • August 15, 2016 / 7:54 pm

      Thank you Mainy – it makes me really happy that you liked it! #KCACOLS

  4. August 15, 2016 / 9:10 pm

    Brilliant, I’d love to know how you come up with these ideas, pure comedy gold! Thank you for linking to #bigpinklink

    • August 15, 2016 / 10:05 pm

      Thank you very much, what a lovely comment! I think it just spills out at the end of a particularly ‘intense’ day sometimes! Thank you for hosting #bigpinklink

  5. August 16, 2016 / 8:17 am

    Great goose gags. You definitely saved the best for last. #Chucklemums

  6. August 16, 2016 / 11:54 am

    Hahaha, bizarro as ever love it. How’s the book coming along? #chucklemums

  7. August 16, 2016 / 1:05 pm

    Any post that ends with a honk honk is a winner on my book! I like to think this is a leaked transcript…#chucklemums

  8. August 16, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    Utterly fabulous as always! Blast from the past – I’ve heard mention that Morrissey has some rather strong views on meat-eaters, just as I have rather strong views on him. I hope Will was careful with the pin near the royal nips….thanks for linking up to #chucklemums, absolute pleasure as always!

  9. August 16, 2016 / 10:40 pm

    Ha ha – and they are all going. Do hope you’re going along too as official blogger? 🙂 Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo x

  10. August 17, 2016 / 1:41 pm

    I love the idea of Kate and her droopy post baby boobs. Do you think she watches the awful Mya adverts “got my boobs done at Mya. Love them!” with interest while she watches This Morning?! #bestandworst

  11. August 18, 2016 / 2:12 am

    Haha! Well, I would like geese better if they did this! & I would like Kate better if she pinned brooches to her arse!

    Thank you so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time

  12. August 19, 2016 / 3:03 pm

    Hah! Very amusing. I was sniggering all the way through this just imagining the real Will and Kate to be having such an exchange! #BigPinkLInk x

  13. August 19, 2016 / 7:34 pm

    I wonder what they really talk about and if the subject of Canada geese come up! Funny, funny and it made me giggle 🙂 Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon ! xx

  14. August 20, 2016 / 11:54 am

    This is quite random but funny lol #kcacols

  15. August 20, 2016 / 12:31 pm

    I really enjoyed that. You’re a great storyteller with a hilarious imagination! #KCACOLS

    • August 20, 2016 / 1:14 pm

      Thank you so much – that’s such a lovely comment! #KCACOLS

  16. August 20, 2016 / 12:47 pm

    Haha! I love it! You really are a genius!! If only this were real – I’d love to see it! #KCACOLS

    • August 20, 2016 / 1:15 pm

      Oh, that’s so lovely – thank you! I know… I WISH 😉 xx

  17. August 20, 2016 / 6:38 pm

    Haaa! Love this! Oh to be a fly on the wall of the royals! #kcacols

    • August 21, 2016 / 7:08 am

      Thank you! I spend far too long wondering what those flies actually see. Maybe ONE day I’ll get in there(!) xx

  18. August 20, 2016 / 9:17 pm

    Loved reading this, hilarious #kcacols

  19. August 21, 2016 / 3:39 pm

    Another fab post, I’m not really sure how you do it! I’m not a massive fan of Canada geese, once they tried to attack my husband when he was out running a long a river. I wonder what really happens at Kensington Palace, and if their antics are anything like you describe. Thanks so much for linking up a second post this week at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

  20. August 21, 2016 / 5:41 pm

    Thank you Claire. I can believe that… had a hairy (feathery) moment with a goose once myself when I was running. I can’t get past the fact their necks look like snakes and I am TERRIFIED of snakes! Thank you so much for your lovely comment. xx

  21. August 23, 2016 / 6:33 pm

    Another clever, creative and funny piece. Well done xx #bestandworst

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