*Disclaimer* I apologise but this is a little story dedicated to writer’s block and the Cambridge’s hamster. For fun, you can spot the Marvin Gaye songs if you like.
“A German haired pointer develops a lump on its neck and a Staffordshire bull terrier has a behavioural disorder. That doesn’t sound much like Made In Chelsea,” I say to NW, who is creating a Fantasy Football mega-team on his phone and doesn’t really mind what we watch.
“You’ve got the All 4 thing on the wrong one,” he says, without looking up. “That’s Supervet.”
“Oh yes.” We settle down to our electronic devices in companionable silence. I fire up Right Royal Mother and hit ‘new post’. On screen, Louise says, “something in my head has clicked,” followed by a narrative-helping, sped-up montage of sunsets, with a little overlap of Jamie saying “girls always have lovely hands.”
“Mercy, Mercy Me. Why are you watching this crap?” says NW, looking up.
“I like the clothes,” I sigh. “And the fact that Alex can talk, despite being a human made out of plywood. And the feeling that I want to shoot them all.”
NG’s head appears from between the bannisters above us. “Mummy, What’s Goin’ On? What are you talking about? “
“Nothing, darling. Just some silly people on the television.
“Like Mister Maker and Justin?”
“Yes, but with worse clothes,” I say and give NW the look that means it’s his turn to kiss 376 stuffed animals goodnight.
I turn my attention back to the screen where Steph is saying, “I thought it would be a really good idea just to show all of my friends how much I love them and take them all to the Maldives.”
“Oh, SOD off!” I yell at the screen, hurling a cushion at Alex’s pendant.
I turn my attention back to the post I am writing. I’ve had writer’s block this week, which is annoying because I have millions of ideas but no time for various reasons and then, when I sit down to type, I am either so tired I fall asleep or I become completely paralysed and can’t type a word. I’m hoping it’s temporary. But even if it’s not, tonight I’m forcing it.
Now Louise is sitting on a Skype session with Rosie, wiping away fake tears and wearing some furry thing that makes her look like the Snow Queen crossed with a Black Widow spider. NW returns with an empty milk beaker and stares at me in horror.
“Did you know the Flight of the Navigator child star has been charged with bank robbery?” he says, rather shakily.
I look at my phone, where a WhatsApp group between my siblings and their spouses has been rattling off reactions to this. My sister has typed, “the world’s gone to shit”.
On screen now, Lucy is bitching that something about something not being clean has ruined her birthday. I missed exactly what it was but I assume it’s her nails, which look as though each time she runs them through her hair they gather more grime.
“Gosh, that’s a shame,” I sigh. “I used to love that film so much. Back in the mid-80s, its recommended retail price was £79.99 you know.”
NW still doesn’t really do pounds, despite having lived in the UK for over a decade, but looks impressed. “I wonder why he needed the money then,” he muses.
“Well, everyone used to use their Blockbuster card and just get it out for a fortnight,” I say. “Ah, the 80s. When films were really films. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The Breakfast Club. Pretty Woman.“
“Is that the one with Richard Gere?”
“Yes. I used to have such a crush on him.”
“Wasn’t there a rumour about him sticking a hamster up his …”
“It was a gerbil,” I interrupt quickly, because I don’t want to think about that urban myth. I adore Richard Gere and I Heard it Through the Grapevine the Duchess of Cambridge told a girl that George and Charlotte own a hamster called ‘Marvin’.
“Is there a difference?”
“Yes. Gerbils don’t like being alone, whereas hamsters don’t mind so much.”
We both watch the credits roll on MiC and listen to the little monkey at the end.
“Shall we watch The Supervet?” NW suggests, when the All 4 homepage flashes up again.
“Are there hamsters in it?”
“I don’t know,” he says, giving me a kiss. His stubble is gently scratchy.
“Princess Charlotte likes it when Marvin’s whiskers tickle her face,” I say.
“Are you comparing me to a small furry animal?” he says.
“Only if you’re lucky,” I say. “Now … Let’s Get It On.”
And we settle down to watch Supervet.
KEY TO CHARACTERS
Characters are abbreviated as follows:
NW – not William (husband and father)
NG – not George (daughter, sister and two and three quarter year old)
NC – not Charlotte (son, brother and seven month old)
NL – not Lupo (a Labrador)
Right Royal Mother is a FINALIST for ‘Best New Blog’ in the 2016 MAD Blog Awards – the UK’s biggest and most exciting awards for parent blogs. Just six out of 8,000 blogs are selected, so I am over the moon about it. If you like RRM, I would LOVE you to give ‘ordinary royalty’ your vote!