What Wood Work for the Duchess of Cambridge’s Five Year Wedding Anniversary?

With the Duke and Duchess’ five year wedding anniversary this Friday, and the Duchess of Cambridge regularly facing rather rotten criticism for her stiff public speaking, Right Royal Mother imagines what Will might have in store for Kate.

But just before that, a little MAD Blog Awards plea. I’m a finalist in the ‘Best New Blog category and if you’d like, you can vote for me here. You’ve got ’til 27 May (but why not do it now and then you won’t forget ..?)

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Five years. Wood you believe it? And I know I’ve said this before, but THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT IS FICTIONAL. 

“I would work,” says Kate, sipping a Smirnoff and slimline tonic and browsing pictures of her father in law looking at buildings, “but it’s our five year anniversary on Friday and I think William’s got a treat in store.”

She is talking to her mother, who has doubts. “Darling, there haven’t been any unusual deliveries made. The Ocado van brought everything you had on the list. Even Lupo’s aubergine dip.”

Kate looks dreamy. “I thought we were going to Paris so I could be Audrey Hepburn and wear stripes in a place that is actually chic. But actually, I think it’s going to be LA,” she whispers.

“Why do you think that?”

“I heard Will on the phone last night. He said, “OK, then. Hollywood it is. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do.” She smiles at the thought and hugs her Breton-ed elbows. “It’s so like him to think of something small but meaningful. Five years is wood, you know? And last time we were in Hollywood was five years ago and I wore a stunning dress so I might have to go shopping. I wonder if Richard Branson will lend me his plane.”

Just then, Will walks in from having been outside, feeding the ducks with George. He looks worried.

Pre-children, when white meant white.

Pre-children, when white meant white. Illustration by Emily Stanbury.

“Poppet, you DO like golf, don’t you?”

Kate looks baffled. “Not really.”

“But you like Tiger Woods?”

“Yes, quite.”

“I thought you said you loved him. ‘He’s got a phenomenal tee'” were your exact words.

“I was talking about his top. I liked it.”

Will looks sheepish. “Ah. I see.”

Kate glances at her mother nervously. “Will? What is it?”

“Well, darling … you know you wanted to go away for our anniversary?”

“Yes?”

“And how you were talking about all the criticism in the media about you being a bit wooden?”

“Ye-esss”

“Well, I thought you could work on it.”

Carole looks at her daughter with barely disguised horror. The grandfather clock ticks.

Kate forces the imaginary Jenny Packham gowns back into her mind’s cupboard and shuts the door tightly. “No Hollywood, then?”

Will brightens. “Yes! They have got holly wood. I’m so glad you like it. I wasn’t sure you’d approve but I told them how much you were keen to work on your wood and …”

“Yes. I get it. OK,” Kate swallows bravely and holds up a hand. “I’ll do it. But are we at least going to have a nice meal?”

“Of course, darling,” Will takes his wife’s hand and leads her into the dining room. “I had Maria take the children up to bed early and look …” he passes Kate the course prospectus and smiles proudly at the table, bedecked with fine crockery given to them as a wedding present from the Queen. A steaming bowl of fowl lies proudly in the middle.

Kate glances down. “Woodwork Course – by Tiger Woods. And wood pigeon, with Gan-Gan’s Wedgewood. How lovely,” Kate says, and settles down to eat.

Wooden it be nice if a Tiger came to tee?

Wooden it be nice if a Tiger came to tee?

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Emily Stanbury is a children’s illustrator and royal sketcher. Find her at emilystanbury.com or on twitter @EmilyStanbury and instagram.


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15 Comments

  1. April 26, 2016 / 9:20 am

    Haha it was our five year anniversary last year – I got a wooden treasure chest containing champagne which I still haven’t drunk and he got a baby. I might try harder this year – what’s six?
    Great reading as always!
    #chucklemums

    • April 26, 2016 / 1:01 pm

      I think surely you tried bloody hard with a baby, didn’t you?! 🙂 Six is ‘candy’ apparently. So you could legitimately ask for a load of chocolate which I wouldn’t mind at all. I love the wooden treasure chest with champagne idea. It’s our five year anniversary next year so might drop a few hints. Thanks for commenting, hosting and writing such gold! #chucklemums

  2. April 26, 2016 / 9:21 am

    It is taking all of my self-control not to crack a very inappropriate joke about “wood” so i’m going to leave now before I lower the tone…….fantastic as always #chucklemums

    • April 26, 2016 / 12:59 pm

      Haha! You said what I hoped no-one would (or wood)!! 🙂 I know – I so very nearly included that myself but stopped just in time … thanks my lovely! xxx #chucklemums

  3. April 26, 2016 / 10:12 am

    I think followed paper ie an anniversary card and it stopped there. Hmmm off to Google 3 years….

  4. April 26, 2016 / 9:10 pm

    I think I get a bit drawn into your stories and have to remind myself about the fictional element!!! Your posts are great because in a Forest Gump stylee (wood ref there!) you never know what you’re gunna get. x ps I heart Kate

    • April 27, 2016 / 5:03 am

      Oh gosh, I know … it all depends on the day I’ve had with the children. The ramblings just pour out usually because I’ve had so little stimulating conversation!! I’m so glad you like it; that really does mean everything to me! Thanks my lovely – I’ll try and keep being Foresty for you! 🙂 xx PS so do I

  5. April 28, 2016 / 1:40 pm

    It was our ‘wooden’ wedding anniversary last year and it was the first time I actually got a present. It was a wooden block with a page from Pride & Prejudice on it and a quote from the book ‘we seem to have been designed for each other’. I was gobsmacked as he’s never bothered before so I wasn’t expecting anything! #coolmumclub

    • April 28, 2016 / 8:37 pm

      That is an AMAZING present. Good on him … very clever!! Wonder what this year will have in store ..? #coolmumclub

  6. April 28, 2016 / 2:15 pm

    another truly wonderful Royal dilemma – you sure you haven’t got cameras installed in their private residences – I know you love good blog material but you could get in to trouble for that lovely! #coolmumclub

    • April 28, 2016 / 8:38 pm

      I really haven’t, though am FAINTLY worried about libel as it is!! You must tell me if you think the posts are getting a bit too risque! 🙂 #coolmumclub

  7. April 28, 2016 / 8:40 pm

    I wonder what Kate and Wills do for their anniversary in real life? One things for sure and it probably isn’t begging Gan-Gan for a babysitting night so they can go to cinema and Nandos 😉
    Fab news on your FINALIST status! So well deserved xx
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

    x Sarah (NSF)
    (Not Sarah Ferguson, Obvs)

  8. April 28, 2016 / 10:37 pm

    Hehe I love that. Hats off for keeping the wood relate comments above board (sorry!) and clean. Thoroughly enjoyed this, would love to sit around their table and eves drop on the actual wedding anniversary present conversation. Congrats on the award xxx #coolmumclub

  9. April 29, 2016 / 4:40 pm

    Haha, I love it! I wonder what Kate’s reaction would really be if this was her anniversary gift – she seems like she’s pretty down to earth, maybe she’s enjoy it lol
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

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