It’s ‘Miss Marathon’, not ‘Your Grace’: The Duchess’ Best New Jog

Some of my favourite posts like this and this imagine ‘ordinary’ parenting life behind the walls of Anmer Hall and how it might relate to Kate. With the London Marathon this Sunday and finding out this week Right Royal Mother is a finalist in the Tots 100 Blog Awards for Best New Blog (your vote would be graciously received), it’s been a bit of a racy week. Before NG & NC I got two London marathons under my belt and the Duchess of Cambridge has often said she keeps trim by ‘running after the children’. So without further ado …

It’s a marathon, near Gran’s place.

Anmer Hall, Saturday night. Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, is lying on the sofa drinking a slimline G&T and browsing ‘Runners’ World’. She has spent the last hour bemoaning the media backlash around her ‘mumsy’ appearance (though this article cheered her up) and decided she will run the London Marathon. She doesn’t have a place, but she’s a Duchess so it will be ok. 

“Don’t you think it’s a good idea? I’m quite good at running. Beat you up to the Tiger’s Nest monastery in Bhutan.”

William stops rubbing Vanish into the Frubes stain carpet for a second and clenches his jaw. “No darling. You should just lie on the sofa on Sunday and watch from home on the telly. They go past granny’s. Which reminds me, we need to let her know what Charlotte wants for her birthday or we’ll get another cushion cover. Also, haven’t you got some organising to do for that?”

“Mum can do it,” says Kate sulkily. “She does everything better than me anyway.”

Buggy and me Paris

Best new ‘blog’. Not ‘sprog’.

“That’s not true,” says William kindly. He likes Carole, who lends him centre-parted wigs from Party Pieces so can practice feeling properly heir-y without judgement in The Mirror.

“Running a marathon IS work. But although I’ll probably do it in under two hours without breaking sweat, I need to do something different so people think, ‘wow. She’s so UN-MUMSY’.

William and his wife think for a bit. In the middle of the silence, George appears from the greenhouse, where he has been feeding Lupo coriander and enjoying dog gags.

“Mummy?”

Kate wrenches her thoughts away from kitten heeled Nikes and looks at her son.

“Yes?”

“When I was a baby, I used to sleep in a tree.”

Kate looks at William worriedly, who shakes his head.

“Did you darling? What sort?”

“Brown.”

A grandfather clock ticks slowly.

“And … was there a bed in the tree?”

George looks pityingly at his mother.

“No. It was a TREE.”

Nanny Maria something-or-other arrives with ‘Shouty Charlotte’ – who is STILL teething – looking distressed. She whispers something in Kate’s ear.

“It’s OK Maria, Wills will take over for a bit.” Kate turns to her husband. “Can you take Charlotte for a walk? Maria says she’s been shouting so hard, she can’t hear George any more and I need her to listen to his coronet practice later because I’m sure as hell not doing it.”

William sighs and pushes thoughts of footling with his Fantasy Football to the back of his mind. He reaches out for his infant daughter. “OK, but can we do something as a family later?”

Best new 'jog'' Not 'dog' ...

Best new ‘blog’. Not ‘dog …

Kate ponders. She has been ‘doing things as a family’ since they returned from India and Bhutan, including wearing a VERY ‘mumsy’ dress and showing the President of the United States and the rest of planet Earth how George can sit on a rocking horse. She’s actually a bit tired of it all and would rather do something by herself.

“Sorry darling but if I’m going to do the marathon tomorrow, I’d better do a practice run. I’ll just slip out of my dungarees,” she looks mournfully down at the corduroy florals. An idea sprouts.

“I’ve got it. I’ll invent a new ‘sexy sprint’.” She springs up, peels off her dungies to reveal her nursing bra and high waisters. George covers his eyes.

Shoving the sofa – and Lupo, who has been lying on it, quietly having a herb-induced nightmare – aside, she gets down into a starting position.

“Georgie, count me down!”

Mammatus Clouds

Best new ‘blog’. NOT ‘fog’.

The toddler screws up his face with concentration. “Five. Four. Five. Seven …”

“Never mind. I’ll do it myself.” She focuses on the picture of Diana looking encouraging over the fireplace, and narrows her eyes. “Three. Two. One.”

George has managed to find a potato gun given to him by David Cameron and fires it. It pops flaccidly. William ruffles his heir.

Masterfully, Kate sprints across the sitting room floor with a bizarre mix of raw motherhood, grace and speed. William, Maria and George clap dutifully as she reaches the mantelpiece and collapses.

“What do you think? Will the paps like it?” she gasps, when she’s regained her breath. “I can see the headlines now: something like: ‘We Like Your Grace, Miss Marathon!’

Pre-children, when I thought I knew what a marathon was.

“Yes, very good, poppet,” William nods admiringly. “It’s VERY sexy.”

“Thanks,” she says, blushing. “I might be the most famous person alive …” William glances at the picture of his mother and before he can contradict, she continues swiftly, “… but I’ve always wanted to win something.

“Well darling,” William sighs patiently, “there are a lot of other runners in the competition. It’s a marathon, not a race and you’re pretty royally new to the scene. But with your quirky new jog, you just might.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

PLEASE lovely people, vote Right Royal Mother for ‘Best New Blog’ in the MAD Blog Awards if you haven’t already. (And yes, that was a blatant flog).

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
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39 Comments

  1. April 23, 2016 / 9:30 pm

    Brilliant! Love it! And congratulations on the nomination!! 🙂 X

    • April 23, 2016 / 9:34 pm

      Oh, thank you! Really glad you enjoyed the post :). Happy weekend! x

  2. April 24, 2016 / 11:59 am

    Cunning, very cunning! There may be a lot of other runners in the race but only one is going to make it over the finish line and I predict that will be you!! I will be telling the others to “jog on” (Yes, I am very proud of that pun) because you have my vote for your genius writing! #KCACOLS 🙂

    • April 24, 2016 / 4:45 pm

      Oh Emma you lovely princess you. As I sit here watching NC brain himself with a bottle opener (yes, I’m on the beer already) that makes me so happy. Thank you for being so supportive; you are a truly lovely person. I wish we were up against each other in this race (though on second thoughts that would be quite hideous too). You were robbed. And thank you again! #KCACOLS 🙂

  3. April 24, 2016 / 3:42 pm

    This was a very entertaining read! Congrats on becoming a finalist at the MADS blog awards!
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday!
    Tori
    http://www.themamanurse.com

    • April 24, 2016 / 4:44 pm

      Thanks so much and I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for co-hosting such a great linky – looking forward to a really good read! #KCACOLS

  4. April 24, 2016 / 8:32 pm

    you really are one clever girl – and a huuuuuge congratulations from me on the MADs – so well deserved lovely and I really do wish you all the best but I digress (justifiably so) kitten heels Nikes – inspired! You are one funny girl and I’m so pleased to have found your blog lovely #KCACOL

    • April 25, 2016 / 8:36 am

      Thank you Helen – I giggle reading your blog a LOT and so pleased I found it too! Thanks for the congrats; maybe I’ll find a pair of kitten heeled Nikes to go to the ceremony in Sept 🙂 #KCACOLS

  5. April 25, 2016 / 9:11 am

    There’s just one teeny tiny flaw – do you think she’s actually nursing?!! Well done on the Tots100 nomination – you must be so excited!! #fartglitter

  6. April 25, 2016 / 2:45 pm

    Brilliant! Many congratulations on being a finalist. I think you really do deserve it and I hope you get to win the MAD’s race. You will certainly have me cheering you on all the way – and my vote too 😉 Your blog is great and always makes me laugh. So clever!

    #bigpinklink

    • April 25, 2016 / 3:37 pm

      Oh, thank you Pat; that’s such a brilliant thing for you to say … I just am glad people laugh when they read them. Whether I’m first past the finishing post or not, I am chuffed to bits to be a finalist … and still quite in shock! Thank you again. #bigpinklink

  7. April 25, 2016 / 5:46 pm

    Now that was very, very clever…!!!! A fabulous read, it had me laughing and smiling all the way through!! A huge congratulations on making the finals, you should be so proud of yourself, and your delightful blog, which makes the day of so many people-myself included!! I’m sure you’ll enjoy many slimline G&Ts on the night!!
    #bigpinklink

    • April 25, 2016 / 10:12 pm

      Thank you lovely. I can’t actually believe how nice people are being!! And I am very happy to have made the finals of course, but have no idea what to wear. New dress a must I think!! (And it’s normal tonic all the way for me :)) Thanks so much again – you’ve made my night!! #bigpinklink

  8. April 25, 2016 / 7:40 pm

    Brilliant as always!

    It’s such a shame we have to fight to the death.

    Can’t wait to share a drink with you x
    #bigpinklink

    • April 25, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Aaargh, I know!! It’s going to be so much fun though; can’t wait ’til September. Let’s share a bottle or two? 🙂 #bigpinklink

  9. April 25, 2016 / 10:04 pm

    Brilliant. I especially love the idea of a picture of a wistful-looking Diana on the mantelpiece., looking down on them! #fartglitter

    • April 25, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      That’s one of my fave lines too … I just hope Diana would approve 🙂 #fartglitter

  10. April 26, 2016 / 8:46 am

    Love the pictures! Ahh I think I’d like to run a marathon one day, maybe but maybe not too…those G&Ts were appealing! I think you should do the graceful motherhood, slightly mad run onto the stage of the awards ceremony…if it’s good enough for Kate! Congratulations lovely, so well deserved xx #chucklemums

    • April 26, 2016 / 1:02 pm

      Oh, thank you Lucy; that is so lovely of you … I might not do a ‘raw’ motherhood run (if it gets to that!) as I don’t think anyone wants to see that 🙂 Thank you so much again xxx #chucklemums

  11. April 26, 2016 / 2:44 pm

    I’m still feeling completely smug about calling this. Best of luck lovely lady and thanks for linking up to #chucklemums

    • April 27, 2016 / 5:04 am

      I know. I often think of that Twitter exchange(!!) I’m coming to you for future racing tips. xxx #chucklemums

  12. April 26, 2016 / 9:52 pm

    Really wishing I wasn’t in the same MADs category as you right now…! I LOVE your blog. Brilliant, and really different and refreshing. You’ve got my vote – good luck x

    • April 27, 2016 / 5:01 am

      Katie, I feel the same … LOVE your blog and am a bit over-excited about the prospect of having a drink with you in September … it’s going to be fun! xx

  13. April 26, 2016 / 10:47 pm

    Liking your style! Congratualtions again on making the finals – massive achievement! Good luck and I’ll see you at the posh do!! Yay! 🙂

    • April 27, 2016 / 4:57 am

      Yay indeed, a hundred times ‘yaaay’!! Thank you and congratulations too … it’s going to be so much fun!! 🙂

  14. April 28, 2016 / 11:04 am

    It sucks that there can only be ONE winner!
    Absolutely brilliant piece <3 Sending sooo many congrats on becoming a finalist-what an awesome achievement. #KCACOLS

    • April 28, 2016 / 1:16 pm

      Thanks Savannah; that is really kind of you to say so. And agree 100% – wish everyone could ‘win’ too, though feel pretty on top of the world at being shortlisted! #KCACOLS xxxx

    • April 28, 2016 / 8:36 pm

      I thought I’d replied to this earlier but can’t see it now in my comments page so just in case I haven’t, THANK YOU! And yes, I WISH we could all win!! 🙂 xx

  15. April 28, 2016 / 6:35 pm

    Lovely to finally meet you via the #KCACOLS linky. I’ve seen your name pop up amongst other bloggers as I have started to get to know you all (having only started blogging in December).

    Really clever piece of writing, great fun!

    I wish you all the best! #KCACOLS

    • April 28, 2016 / 8:38 pm

      Lovely to meet you too my love; glad you enjoyed the post and I will whizz over and check out your blog v. soon! #KCACOLS

  16. April 29, 2016 / 1:26 pm

    I love your posts – I think you should put them in a book! You have such a great writing style. #KCACOLS

  17. May 1, 2016 / 9:56 pm

    Ha ha the herb-induced nightmare and the Wills glancing over at the pic of Queenie. Hilarious. Got my vote obvi

    • May 2, 2016 / 5:08 am

      Thank you leader of the post photos and OBVS my champion in BiBs for best writer 🙂 Glad you enjoyed. xx

  18. May 3, 2016 / 9:18 pm

    This is brilliant, I’m not sure how I haven’t read any of your blog posts before! Congratulations lovely on the MADs nomination for Best New Blog, with writing posts that are as witty as this, you certainly deserve it! I wish you all the best of luck. Thank you so much for sharing this post with us at #fortheloveofBLOG, I hope you come back next week. Claire x

    • May 3, 2016 / 9:46 pm

      Oh, thank you Claire; that’s such a lovely comment! I am keeping everything crossed for the MADs – it’s such a tough contest and I’m so happy to be in there! Thanks also for setting up the fab link. I’ll definitely be back 🙂 xx

  19. May 5, 2016 / 7:34 pm

    Fabulous post! Massive congrats on being a finalist! So exciting 🙂 Good luck for the final and thanks for linking up to #TheList x

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