How to Channel the Duke of Cambridge’s Positive Parental Attitude

Tuesday morning, 07.00hrs, Anmer Hall. William, Duke of Cambridge is gently sulking in his cashmere dressing gown as he sips the first coffee of the day and gets ready for work. His wife, Kate, is in her parlour doing her makeup and eating yoghurt and honey because, after all the celebrations of the last week or so and doing a shift opening the Queen’s 90th birthday post bags, she has had enough of tasteless birthday carbs. George and Charlotte are asleep. (No, wait. This might be fiction but asking you to believe that is a step too far. They’re with nanny Maria something-or-other in the playroom, getting ready for a day out with Uncle Harry).

“Darling, what’s wrong?” Kate puts her eyeliner down carefully.

“It’s nothing.”

“Clearly, it isn’t.” Kate is used to this. Tuesday is William’s ‘difficult’ day at the helicopter base. They have a technical inspection, followed by a long practice flight and she steels herself every week for him hovering over her, worrying about his oversized joystick.

“Gran’s ticking off on the balcony. Those horrible press reports about you being in love with Harry …”

“They didn’t say that,” Kate says. “They said we like having a laugh. We do,” she adds, looking at him kindly. “You know you’re not a huge fan of Made in Chelsea, whereas Harry just … well, he’s always up for a ‘how many times does Louise cry’ game, whereas you’re not.”

“I don’t see why watching television should involve play,” William mutters. “I’ve had a hard enough time convincing you all Game of Thrones is actually rather serious.”

“Only to you,” Kate says, standing up and slipping on her Tuesday pants. “The thing is, I hate to say this, babe, but you’re becoming a bit …” (she whispers), “boring.”

William puts his coffee down carefully before demonstrating his frustration by kicking a copy of Kate’s Runner’s World across the bedroom floor. It slides under Charlotte’s second-best Jumperoo they still haven’t moved. Kate sighs.

“Why don’t you go and play with the children for a little bit before you go to work. Harry’s taking them …” she pauses.

Dirty Duke of Ha(rry)zzard

Dirty Duke of Ha(rry)zzard

“Where?”

“He’s supposed to be taking them to, um, a preview of the new children’s Peppa Pig mud enclosure at Glastonbury before it opens this weekend.”

“Oh, great,” William growls. “How am I supposed to compete with that?”

He paces the floor, getting more and more agitated. “I’m trying really hard to be current and cool. I’m on the cover of bloody Attitude magazine; I wore that headband for Heads Together, even though it brought attention to my crown …”

“… or lack of,” says Kate distractedly, trying to decide which pair of jeans to wear.

“I’m supposed to be flying to France today and I just haven’t got time for this,” he says impatiently. “I’m going to see the children.”

William marches along the corridor, picking up small toys as he goes. Bending to retrieve a Lego parachutist gives him an idea and, as he enters the bright, airy playroom, the son emerges from behind the curtains.

William puts his chopper to good use.

William puts his chopper to good use.

“George!”

“Daddy!”

“Do you want to come flying with me?” William asks, mustering all the energy and enthusiasm a man trying to mix a difficult, physical job with taking a boisterous toddler to work with him can.

“Ag-ag!!” affirms George.

“George …” warns William, thinking back to last weekend when the Queen chastised him in front of the world for bending down on the balcony. Whilst he still feels slightly royally cheesed off about it, it is no excuse for George using his Great Grandmother’s pet name backwards, which is he prone to do when he wants a reaction.

“It’s his way of saying ‘yes’; he’s not saying ‘Nag-Nag’,” says Maria cheerily, taking off her disposable gloves after changing Shouty Charlotte’s nappy.

“Oh. Righto,” says William, relieved. “So, Georgie. This might be the last chance we have to see France when we’re part of the EU. How about it? A trip in the helicopter with your old Dad?”

“Eee-Uwww!” shrieks the nearly three-year old, running towards his father.

“Well, yes …” says William, catching him expertly. “I’m glad you feel so passionately. We have to remain neutral, of course, but personally, I do think …”

“Shouty’s nappy! It stinks!!” George plucks the soiled disposable out of the bin and waves it in front of William’s nose.

“NO, Georgie,” William commands, plucking it from George’s fingers and dropping it into the nappy bin. “Come on, no time for larking about. If you’re going to cross the Channel with me, we have to get a wiggle on.”

George stands in the middle of the Peter Rabbit rug, treading old Play-Doh lumps in a bit more firmly as he thinks. “I know, Daddy,” he says after a moment or two. He disappears into the walk-in dressing up room and returns carrying two Sarah and Duck beanie hats. “These will do. They look sort of French, don’t they?”

“Oh, you rascal!” says William affectionately. But, seeing as the son has got his hat on, William dons a beanie and, looking at himself in the mirror, has to admit this is one instance when playing a TV-inspired game might be rather fun.

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A Mum Track Mind
My Petit Canard
This Mum's Life
Mummascribbles

ethannevelyn
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31 Comments

  1. June 20, 2016 / 7:52 am

    Oh I feel a little sorry for William, how is he supposed to compete with a super cool Harry? Although William does always have his ‘oversized joystick’ 😉 #marvmonday

    • June 21, 2016 / 6:56 am

      I know. Harry is ultra-uncle but I think W’s oversized joystick will see him through …:) xx

  2. June 20, 2016 / 9:53 am

    I love your take on the Royals it’s so funny. Poor William but harry is looking slightly cooler at the moment! Can’t wait for next instalment! #marvmondays

  3. June 20, 2016 / 12:02 pm

    It would be nice to think the royal family got play doh stuck in their rugs too #marvmondays

  4. June 20, 2016 / 12:40 pm

    Haha, I’m also a huge fan of the ‘How many times will Louise cry?’ game so I can completely understand Kate’s point of view there. Hilarious post once again. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

    • June 21, 2016 / 6:54 am

      Thank you Kaye – I am a bit bored of the Louise game now and tend to play how many times Sam leaps up with ‘surprise’. Still love MiC though. Utter crap but so compelling. xx

  5. June 20, 2016 / 9:07 pm

    Ha ha, great post. I do feel a bit sorry for William, he was only doing what all the parenting books tell you about talking to your toddler right! #MarvMonday

  6. June 20, 2016 / 11:43 pm

    Fab post and a great interpretation of up to the minute events. I wonder what actually goes on behind closed doors? #MarvMondays & #bigpinklink

    • June 21, 2016 / 6:53 am

      Thank you Fiona – love your summer jobs post too – really want to come and visit. xx

  7. June 21, 2016 / 6:47 am

    Wow…what? You mean they are actually real, live people??? How do they always manage to appear so perfectly then, kids included? #TwinklyTuesday

  8. June 21, 2016 / 7:13 am

    Really like the attention to detail on the Kate satire. Very funny. #Chucklemums

  9. June 21, 2016 / 10:43 am

    Please please please tell me Kate eats carbs at birthday celebrations? I want to believe it, really I do. Even a grissini breadstick with flavourless dip, I’d take that as a carb win…#twinklytuesdays

  10. June 21, 2016 / 10:58 am

    Haha!! That was a lovely post! Really needed a giggle today and you definitely provided that for me! The idea of them having a second used jumperoo too!! Very witty! 🙂 #twinklytuesdays

  11. June 21, 2016 / 11:21 am

    He He Polly….I wonder if Kate has ever had a kebab? Or a bag of chips and scraps….
    Perhaps WIlliam could really live on the edge and ditch wearing dress shirts and cashmere jumpers with his jeans? #TwinklyTUesday

  12. June 21, 2016 / 12:17 pm

    I wonder if Kate’s Tuesday pants are red? I think Prince Harry would make a great uncle, I bet he makes a jolly decent climbing frame. Poor old serious Wills. Loved it! Thanks for joining #chucklemums!

  13. June 21, 2016 / 12:26 pm

    Hahaha….I enjoy your version of what’s happening in the Royal Abode much better. *Oversized Joystick* Thanks for making me laugh and linking with #bigpinklink

  14. June 21, 2016 / 12:36 pm

    Haha, brilliant! Poor William would have some trouble competing with the cool uncle 🙂 #TwinklyTuesday
    Debbie

  15. June 21, 2016 / 5:55 pm

    What I want to know is how does anyone know what the Queen was saying on the balcony? I’d love to know! #marvmondays

    • June 23, 2016 / 10:05 am

      I know – it’s a strange one. I’m sure the DM has microphones somewhere 🙂 x

  16. June 22, 2016 / 6:34 pm

    God, did Queenie actually tell him off on the balcony? I wonder what life is actually like behind closed doors. They must have bad days like anyone else! Thanks for linking again lovely #fortheloveofBLOG x

  17. June 22, 2016 / 9:04 pm

    Poor Wills and his oversized joystick! 😀 #chucklemums

  18. June 23, 2016 / 8:53 pm

    Ahaha I love it. How WOULD you compete with Harry?! Oversized joystick is genius… #StayClassyMama

  19. June 24, 2016 / 11:35 am

    Love that they have the play-doh-in-carpet issues!!

    Really enjoyed reading!!
    #StayClassyMama

  20. June 26, 2016 / 5:06 pm

    haha This is so funny! You have described what I would exactly William would be like him is grand palace – picking toys! lo! Thank you so much for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost

  21. June 27, 2016 / 8:47 am

    Haha! I am loving these. You have a real talent for writing. Sorry my comments are late. My grandmother died last week and was tough to get round to doing them. Thanks for making me smile 🙂 #bigpinklink

  22. June 27, 2016 / 11:26 am

    Thanks for the laughs. I’ve just been made redundant so needed a good cheer up, Sarah #FabFridayPost

  23. June 28, 2016 / 9:16 am

    Oh dear poor William – how can be live up to cool Harry?! Do you mean Kate has weekday kickers? Perhaps she has the matching socks too lol #stayclassymama

    • June 28, 2016 / 9:32 am

      I’m sure she has – otherwise how would she know what day of the week it was(?!) 🙂 x

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