Princess Charlotte Cries and Her Mum Spins a Sleep Solution

Mid-morning at Anmer Hall, on the last Bank Holiday Monday in May. Princess Charlotte’s cries float through the windows of her bedroom to the garden below, where William, Duke of Cambridge, is putting the final touches to pork balls he probably won’t barbecue because rain is forecast. Kate is gathering her gardening forks, wondering what to wear to the forthcoming SportsAid dinner whilst sipping a slimline Smirnoff and lime and worrying about Charlotte’s lack of sleep. George is making spells with Lupo with something that looks suspiciously like Gan-Gan’s sceptre. It is time for Charlotte’s nap but, despite nanny Maria something-or-other’s best attempts, the one-year-old’s sleep is troubled by teething and the constant wailing is starting to bite.

it goes without saying that, as far as I know, this story is fictional.

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On the garden table in front of her, Kate glances warily at the cutting of the gorgeous green-edged chrysanthemum named after Charlotte. She was given it by the Dutch floral company after the Chelsea Flower Show last week and is determined to plant it herself and watch it bloom. The problem is, even though she has successfully and impressively raised two young, healthy saplings from seed and looked lovely in her emerald coat at the CFS, she’s not terribly green fingered.

“Gosh,” says William distractedly, as he covers his balls with cling film. “What’s that?”

chrysanthemum, autumn, pink

Not The Princess Charlotte. Or her Mum.

“They’re both Princess Charlotte, babe,” says Kate patiently, not sure whether he’s referring to the cries or the chrys. “Oh dear, listen to Shouty. I do wish there was something we could do.”

They both pause, heads on one side , to listen to their daughter’s plaintive wails.

“Should we move her to a spare room?” asks William, hopefully. “It’s really quite distracting. I’m trying to rest my balls.”

“Well, Maria’s doing her utmost to get Charlotte to do the same,” says Kate a little tetchily. “And putting her in a spare room is rather insensitive, don’t you think? We vowed we’d never use that word around her.”

“Fine,” says William. “Has Maria tried Calpol?”

“I think so.”

“Infant Nurofen?”

“Yep.”

“My father’s agricultural speech recordings?”

Kate looks at him hard and sighs. “She’s tried nearly everything but she said she might have a little trick left up her sleeve,” she says, blowing her own Whistles silk cuff as a little spider edges towards her elbow.

Maria appears round the corner looking serious. “She just won’t sleep,” she announces. “The teeth … they hurt too much. But,” she says, looking down at the spider, now crawling across the table in front of Kate, “if you can help me, I may just be able to nip this in the bud.”

great white shark, shark, jaws

Dangerous jaws at Anmer Hall.

Maria proceeds to tell the couple about a secret family skill she has, so far, not needed to employ with the Cambridges. It transpires that this talent was the icing on the cake that led to a previous employment by Mary Berry.

“My grandmother made blankets from spider silk,” she confides. “And the spiders only come from the finest roses and chrysanthemums. Just like these,” she points delightedly at the bloom Kate is holding which, Kate can see, has five tiny arachnids moving across its petals.

George comes over for a look. “Spidery spiders!” he says, before bonking Lupo on the nose.

Don’t hurt Lupo,” warns William. “His bite’s worse than your shark.”

George glances over towards his personal swimming pool, where he has been permitted to keep a baby Great White, and looks down at the marble patio. “Sorry, Daddy.”

Maria breaks the tension by sweeping some spiders into Kate’s gardening clutch bag, on top of Lupo’s gravy bones. She shows the contents proudly to her audience.

“Can you catch some more for me?” she asks Kate. “I will get on the phone to my mother now to see if she can email the instructions for making the spider silk blanket. I’m sure I can whip one up tonight if we get enough. Five or six hundred should do it. Then tomorrow, the princess should sleep much better.”

cobweb, network, networking

Spinning a web for (quieter? longer?) lies.

George cheers up. He is not sure how they will go about extracting whatever it is you need from spiders to make silk but he’s pretty sure he will enjoy it.

Above them, Charlotte’s cries grow stronger.

“Of course,” says Kate hastily, peeling chrysanthemum petals back with care. “Anything to help. Cries-and-the-mum, hey? Amazing how mothers seem to be willing to do anything if it helps their baby sleep.”

She looks weakly at William for appreciation of wit in this time of cry-sis, but he has turned his attention back to his balls so, studiously, she starts searching for spiders to help make Charlotte’s web.

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40 Comments

  1. May 30, 2016 / 11:16 am

    I’ve somehow missed your posts lately but this made me smile as always! #fartglitter

  2. May 31, 2016 / 12:24 pm

    Sorry, can’t stop, just about to venture into the garden to select some spiders to chuck in with the baby during naptime. I don’t have the time to wait for them to spin webs. If you tell me you made all this up I’ll be very disappointed.

    I often wonder if Kate reads these and has a chuckle. I hope she’d enjoy #chucklemums… Thanks for linking 😉

    • May 31, 2016 / 4:43 pm

      Yes, I’m afraid I did make it all up … sorry! 🙂 No problem – thanks for hosting the chuckliest linky ever. #chucklemums

  3. May 31, 2016 / 3:14 pm

    Haha just brilliant – you had me at “I’m trying to rest my balls” Just too funny, as always! Brilliant work, clever lady xxx #KCACOLS

    • May 31, 2016 / 4:42 pm

      Oh, thank you lovely girl. I had to put that in there – it was begging to be used! 🙂

  4. May 31, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    Brilliantly, hilariously random as always! You never fail to make me laugh.
    #chucklemums

    • June 1, 2016 / 6:26 am

      Thank you thank you – hope you’re scribbling as I type. #chucklemums

  5. June 1, 2016 / 1:06 pm

    Hahaha….Charlotte’s web! Very clever and hope you get the spider silk blanket patented! I am afraid I will never look at William the same way again. Thanks for linking with #bigpinklink

    • June 1, 2016 / 2:33 pm

      Thanks – I know, I’m (a bit) sorry about the ‘balls’ line! #bigpinklink

  6. June 1, 2016 / 3:51 pm

    Two in one linky – #feelingblessed This is brilliant as always! Thank you lovely #chucklemums

  7. June 1, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    Hmmm I will need to try this out. How long will it take the spiders to make the web? My son will not fall asleep, its two hours past his bed time!

    Love this post, as always. #puddinglove

  8. June 1, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    Haha! I really enjoyed that. I like to imagine what the Royals might all think if they read it! #KCACOLS

  9. June 1, 2016 / 10:41 pm

    Is this going to be a series? I find myself wanting to know what happened next. Love how Kate is forever sipping a little slimline something-or-other in every post! #BloggerClubUK

    • June 2, 2016 / 6:57 am

      Oh, thank you Min. I like the slimline feature too 🙂 The book I’m writing is a semi-series; I will reveal all in due course!! #BloggerClubUK

  10. June 2, 2016 / 7:51 am

    “Should we move her to a spare room?” asks William, hopefully. “It’s really quite distracting. I’m trying to rest my balls.” What images have you put in my head?! So funny – made me laugh out loud – just brilliant! Another fab fab post #BloggerClubUK

  11. June 2, 2016 / 10:35 pm

    This really made me chuckle – at lots of moments but especially the references to William’s ‘balls’ and for Kate calling him ‘babe’…. great post, I want to read more! #PuddingLove

    • June 3, 2016 / 5:51 am

      Thank you. So glad you enjoyed it … apparently Kate was overheard calling William ‘babe’ at the Chelsea Flower Show 🙂 xx

  12. June 3, 2016 / 11:01 am

    I found it a little hard to focus after reading about Wills covering his balls in cling film, haha! I would like to believe that this is in fact what life is like for them! x #KCACOLS

    • June 3, 2016 / 5:52 pm

      Er, yes – it is a little distracting! I hope so … I’m sure it can’t be THAT different … #KCACOLS

  13. June 3, 2016 / 11:43 am

    Haha Prince William resting his balls! What a picture i now have in my head! Thanks for linking up to #puddinglove

    • June 3, 2016 / 5:52 pm

      Yes, it’s a little off-putting, isn’t it? Sorry! #puddinglove

  14. June 3, 2016 / 3:25 pm

    Back to comment as my #KCACOLS duty dictates! And to hint that there *may* be a red garment coming your way later…..shhh….

    • June 3, 2016 / 5:51 pm

      Aargh, really? Oh that is AMAZING! Thanks (shhh … won’t breathe a word …) xx#KCACOLS

  15. June 3, 2016 / 4:58 pm

    Brilliant, cling filmed balls was always going to be a winner:) really enjoy your posts

    mainy

    #KCACOLS

  16. June 3, 2016 / 10:13 pm

    Polly
    So lovely to pop across today via #KCACOLS. Fantastic fun…and the twist in the tail, Charlotte’s Web. So clever…And thanks to you I’ll be chewing over WIlliam’s balls for the rest of the week 😉

    • June 4, 2016 / 8:45 am

      Oh gosh … sorry Jane :). Thank you for your extremely kind comments – I’m so glad you like the stories! xx

  17. June 4, 2016 / 2:39 am

    Oh I do love reading your Anmer hall posts, they really do make me chuckle. I dont know how you do it, such an amazing imagination. I literally feel like im reading a book when I read your posts 🙂 Great white shark in the pool – how do you even come up with it all, ha ha! Emily #KCACOLS

  18. June 4, 2016 / 3:47 pm

    I’ve been watching the Windsors on Channel 4 and now picture all the characters when I read your posts!! #fartglitter

    • June 4, 2016 / 11:11 pm

      Oh yes, the Windsors! Some of it v. funny. Only seen one episode; will have to catch up! x

  19. June 6, 2016 / 8:48 pm

    Loving the great white in the swimming pool – just what every young Prince needs! Brilliant post, the resting balls made me laugh. Thanks for linking up with #PuddingLove, hope you can come back again x

  20. June 7, 2016 / 9:06 am

    Very clever & funny as always lovely. A silky spider web blanket would be quite the luxury & yes mothers will do anything to help their baby sleep! Thanks so much for linking up with us at #BloggerClubUK

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