A Question of SportsAid Dishes for a Duchess

Thursday morning, 08.30, Kensington Apartment 1A. Catherine (Kate), Duchess of Cambridge, is getting out of the shower. She hopes her slimline gin & lime body gel scent will linger through the evening’s SportsAid dinner she is hosting, as it is her turn to do bedtime so she won’t have time to wash later. She is keeping an eye on Charlotte on the built-in CCTV monitor in the corner of the bathroom. ‘Shouty’, as her parents call her, is in the master bedroom, clambering over the 9-tog duvet Camilla has lent them for the summer and chewing her brand new pearl-encrusted Jellycat.

Kate cinches the angora dressing gown belt round her waist and shoves her hair into a leopard print scrunchie as she enters the bedroom.

Food

Try(ing) athletes … what DO they eat?

“What on earth can I give them?” she says to William, who is doing a few stretches in front of the mirror. “They’re all on special training diets before the Brazil Olympics. Honestly, it’s like Pip’s new book party all over again. But I daren’t ask her for advice because she’ll just suggest funeral breakfast fare.”

Kate’s sister’s recent book launch for Mourning – a companion to Celebrate – was quite depressing as it seemed every dietary requirement under the sun had to be catered for. Carole’s Party Pieces plates had groaned under the weight of Kate’s sibling’s specialist supper.

“Why don’t you ask Zara?” Will says kindly.

“Could she help?”

“Well, she and auntie Anne appeared on A Question of Sport in the early noughties. They ought to know something.”

“Hmm. Yes. And now she has an ‘early naughty’ of her own,” muses Kate, throwing Will a cheeky glance as she refers to his niece, Mia. “She’s quite hard to feed, too. I think you might have something there, Will.”

Her husband looks pleased. “Great. I’m off to practice my Bhutanese for a bit but I’ll pop back.” He gives Kate a kiss on the nose and strides out.

Kate wanders into George’s bedroom, where nanny Maria something-or-other is discussing palace size with the third-in-line to the throne.

“Why is this one so tiny?” asks George, looking sceptically at the Hamley’s replica of a three storey town house.

“It’s not that small, really. And When you grow up, yours will be bigger,” sighs Maria.

“Like Mummy and Daddy’s flat here,” George says, somewhat disparagingly, “or like Nag-Nag?”

“George!” Kate interrupts, shaking her head with disappointment. “NOT Nag-Nag. I’ve told you before. Maria,” she turns to the nanny, who is folding George’s Judo suit. “I need to speak to Zara about tomorrow’s dinner menu. Is there any chance you could look after the three cousins while we have a natter?”

Maria, who is paid by the hour and not per child, sighs. She’ll have to take them to soft play or something, she decides. “Yes, that’s fine,” she sighs. “Harry’s just had a bouncy castle set up next door. He says it helps him to de-stress and visualise. I’ll take them all there.”

Harry

Haribo(uncing)

“Does it look like Buckingham Palace?” George says hopefully.

“No. It looks like Bodo’s Schloss,” says Maria, tiredly, referring to the nightclub at the bottom of Harry’s garden. “Harry said the planners wouldn’t have it any other way.”

************************************************************************************************

10.30am. Zara arrives, looking frazzled. She hands her daughter over to Maria gratefully, and Kate leads her through the marbled hallway to the kitchen, kicking Charlotte’s teething rings under a corgi statue as she goes. Charles insisted Kate and Wills display the statues as a ‘thank you’ to the Queen for providing them with their London home and there is a small stone dog in every room. Maria and Lupo have almost come to terms with them, though they do feel rather hounded.

“Mia’s Shetland pony was supposed to be hypo-allergenic but she’s come out in a terrible rash,” sighs Zara.

“Are you sure it isn’t chicken pox?” asks Kate worriedly, “I’ve heard there’s a lot about. Poor Mia,” she says as William enters.

“What’s the matter, darling?”

“She said, ‘poor Mia’, not ‘poor me’,” says Zara with feeling.

“Zara, we need your help,” Kate pleads. “What do athletes on special diets eat?”

Zara looks pleased. “Are you asking because I’m so fit?”

“Well, it’s really because you appeared on A Question of Sport …”

“Yes,” says Kate, hastily cutting across William. “And because your family looks so healthy. And we know Mia can be a little tricky.”

She thinks back to January, when Mia turned two. Despite the Tindalls’ best efforts, Mia ate nothing but pink iced mice, then crawled across the floor as her sugar high peaked, mewing, “Mia cat. Mia cat.” It was rather disconcerting and Mike was very close to ringing an insurance comparison website to order a stuffed Russian rodent or London Zoo to order a live one in the hopes of stopping Mia’s squeaking.

“Well, in my experience, what works for children will work for athletes,” says Zara confidently. Kate hands her a biro and the back of a Petits Filous family pack and she starts to scribble. A little while passes, during which Will checks his golf equipment is in place as he has a feeling one or other of the SportsAid representatives will want to inspect his balls. Kate paces up and down, awaiting Zara’s menu with considerable excitement. At last, it is done.

“Here,” says Zara with pride. “See what you think.”

Kate and Will descend on the table and devour the words in front of them.

Kate’s SportsAid Dinner Menu

Starter

Dairy-free Dairylea slices with pineapple chunks on mini javelin sticks

Main

Rice cakes with small boxes of raisins

Pudding

Chocolate milk

“That … that’s it?” asks Kate, worriedly.

“That’s probably enough food for them all, to be honest,” says Zara briskly. “Almost every food group is covered there. I think you’ll find protein, vitamin C and carbs. Done.”

Bananas

When in doubt, go bananas.

Kate and Will look at each other doubtfully.

“What if they don’t like something?”

“Easy,” says Zara, reaching into her bag. “Give them what any good mother and athlete has on hand at all times. A banana.”

_____________________________________________________________________________
Cuddle Fairy
Best of Worst
Prose for Thought
Life Love and Dirty Dishes
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30 Comments

  1. June 8, 2016 / 11:32 am

    When in doubt go with a banana, it’s a practise I live by to be honest, good to know it will for athletes as well 😉 #BestandWorst

  2. June 9, 2016 / 9:33 am

    Haha, so reassuring that even the royals struggle when feeding their little darlings. There is a mini-meltdown in our house if I ever let the bananas run out. I’m also now even more in love with Harry at the thought of him bouncing around and visualising on his bouncy castle. I do hope Aunty Ellie Goulding comes to visit soon….. ;- )#stayclassy

    • June 9, 2016 / 11:37 am

      Oh yes, I hope so … ‘this is your song’ needs to make an appearance soon, that’s for sure! #stayclassy

  3. June 9, 2016 / 11:18 am

    Bananas are a winner in my house. Even the four year old who doesn’t eat anything eats bananas. Must be where he gets all his energy from as he doesn’t get it from anywhere else 😉

    #stayclassy

    • June 9, 2016 / 11:36 am

      Yep, bananas – good for athletes and toddlers alike. 🙂 #stayclassy

  4. June 9, 2016 / 1:04 pm

    Brilliant! I honestly do believe that this is exactly the conversation that goes on behind those marble/gold plated walls! The bouncy castle / Harry bit made me snort out loud. Really enjoyed this hun xx
    #ablogginggoodtime

    • June 10, 2016 / 5:23 am

      Oh thank you – I’m pretty convinced too 🙂 #ablogginggoodtime

  5. June 9, 2016 / 2:34 pm

    ahahah. The banana! So true!

  6. June 9, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    Haha brilliant – yep when in doubt, go for the banana! And I think breadsticks, rice cakes and cheese is the perfect balance 😉 Good to know even the royals struggle to feed their toddlers! #ablogginggoodtime

  7. June 9, 2016 / 7:32 pm

    Your attention to detail is just royally fabulous (see what I did there?!) The leopard print scrunchie the gin and tonic shower gel – inspired! I just want to keep reading the next chapter when I read your blogs – actually I want to watch it on film – approach a film company my lovely – you’re awesome! #BloggerClubUK

    • June 10, 2016 / 5:24 am

      Thank you Helen; it makes me so happy that you enjoy the posts … hm, a film company?! That WOULD be fun!! #BloggerClubUK

  8. June 9, 2016 / 9:20 pm

    I always enjoy your witty banter dialogue and loved the bouncy castle reference – lol! #stay classy

    • June 10, 2016 / 5:22 am

      Oh, thank you – I really can imagine Harry having a private bouncy castle – he has so much energy 🙂 #stayclassy

  9. June 10, 2016 / 7:49 am

    just popping back again to ask where does Kate get her scent? I love the sound of gin and lime body scent – yummy! I suspect it’s a new Jo Malone, it sounds very Malone like. I am a big fan of their Earl Grey and Cucumber scent 😉 #FridayFrolics

    • June 10, 2016 / 8:32 am

      I think it is a new Jo Malone – my fave too! I have Lime Blossom and Mandarin and Red Roses but love the EG & C … hoping NW might bring me back a new one from Duty Free 🙂 #FridayFrolics

  10. June 10, 2016 / 8:19 am

    This is such a clever and witty blog – such fun to read. Do you do much research?! The way you use your words and your lovely conversational style, makes it such fun. Thank you for making me grin this morning! Alison #FridayFrolics

    • June 10, 2016 / 8:30 am

      Oh thank you Alison – I am so glad you enjoy it. I do quite a bit of Googling but most of it is pure imagination 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment. #FridayFrolics

  11. June 10, 2016 / 9:50 pm

    I don’t know how you come up with this stuff – it is so funny and random. I really hope that Kate and Wills read your stuff sometime, it would be amazing if they did! 🙂
    #fridayfrolics

  12. June 11, 2016 / 11:12 am

    ha ha ha this is hilarious. I think the final dinner menu looks like a winner – I find your stories shockingly believable at times.

    Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime

  13. June 11, 2016 / 1:00 pm

    Hilarious! Love it!
    Is my 20-month the only strange child in the world who won’t eat banana or anything banana flavoured?!! 🙂
    #puddinglovelinky

  14. June 11, 2016 / 2:59 pm

    Fabulous! I can totally imagine these sort of conversations taking place behind closed doors 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

  15. June 11, 2016 / 7:55 pm

    Really enjoyed this one – particularly Harry and his bouncy castle! You have an excellent wit and great imagination. Thanks for linking up with us #stayclassy

  16. June 11, 2016 / 10:59 pm

    Oh can you actually imagine!!! I totally think this is what goes on with the royals haha. Thanks for linking up a fab post with the #bestandworst hope to see you again! x

  17. June 12, 2016 / 10:43 am

    Haha oh George, does it look like Buckingham Palace? : ) This is so imaginative and really fun to read! I feel like I am getting to know the royals lol. A banana seems to work with my son as well – albeit he’s only six months – however he’s never had pink iced mice which might make a difference. ; ) Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!

  18. June 12, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    Love the thought of Kate kicking the baby paraphernalia out of sight! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  19. June 14, 2016 / 8:25 pm

    We live by the ‘have a banana then’ rule in our house too. Had to chuckle at Harry’s bouncey castle and the dreaded corgi statues! Thanks for linking to #PuddingLove great post X

  20. June 15, 2016 / 10:07 pm

    This is fabulously written! I would really love this to actually be true and that this is how they live! Zara sounds like I bet she is in real life!! Well done. Thank you for linking to Prose for Thought x

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