Skirting Around the Idea of a Dogless Walk

Warning: this post contains potty-mouthed humour and something rather disgusting, for which I apologise. I stay away from it as a rule, but yesterday I had no option but to face up to some crap.

NG wants to go to the park for the second time today.

I do not particularly – partly because it is hot and I have Dennis elbow from pushing NG’s little boyfriend on the swings. But mainly because NL out-did himself in the Labrador greed stakes earlier, roaming wildly around the field, Geiger countering dropped crisps before turning his attention to NG’s poo and – there is no easy way to say this – eating it (sorry. sorry).

This was incredibly embarrassing – obviously – for two reasons. Firstly, in an awesome leap forward in our family’s potty training tragedy, NG had several goes on the slide muttering,

“my poo is coming, my poo is coming,”

prompting other toddlers and their parents to scuttle sideways out of our way. Meanwhile NL, tied mercilessly by me to a sycamore tree because dogs aren’t allowed in the enclosed play area, barked jealously from his position of tethered woe.

Nothing like a good taste of nature.

These two like nothing better than a taste of nature.

Also, we forgot the travel potty (I KNOW. I blame no sleep for the last two nights) and so, after NG ceremoniously took her pants off at the bottom of the slide, I parked my house moving daydreams, croaked, “right, move!”, hopped off my bench, shoved NC’s buggy towards the gate and frog-marched them both to the shady area where NL proceeded to lick NG’s bare bum and then my face.

“My poo is DEFNITLY COMING MUMMY!” NG’s look was rapturous as she put her Peppa Pig hand-held rotating blades down carefully and deposited a solid, neat turd on the grass. Before I could say ‘shit hits the fan’ it disappeared into NL’s jaws. So you could say I would be fine leaving him behind for the afternoon walk.

NW rings me after lunch, just as I am preparing to strap them all into the buggy for round two.

“I think I’ll leave him behind,” I say. He’s going to be 11 in July – quite an age for a Lab – so I don’t think I’m being mean.

“But he loves swimming and it’s so hot,” my husband says breezily from his air-conditioned office near Paddington. “What have you all had for lunch?”

A photo

A photo of, definitely, a woman with a skirt and no dog.

“Cheese omelette. Again.”

“Well, that should bind her up. She’s unlikely to do two poos in the space of a few hours, surely? And just bring the travel potty this time.” He hangs up and I think about the Duchess of Cambridge.

Earlier this week, she was supposedly spotted walking in Kensington Gardens, holding George’s hand and pushing (presumably) Charlotte in a Silver Cross. She was wearing a long, blue skirt which royal fashion watchers remarked might have been an influence from her recent trip to India.

I run upstairs to change because I’m bloody hot in my jeans and a thought occurs. Rifling through my wardrobe, I find a maxidress with a fairly robust skirt, which will fit my needs nicely. NL eyes me warily from the bottom of the stairs as I descend and NG looks at me hard.

“Mummy, why are you wearing that bootiful cullfull dress?” she says, licking chocolate Petits Filous off her hand.

“Because we’re going for a walk in a minute and I just read that a famous lady wore a long skirt to the park. She didn’t bring her dog with her, though.”

“Why?”

NG is not a fan of potties.

NG is not a fan of potties.

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe because he eats poo?” she asks happily, looking at me for approval.

“Yes. Maybe.” I sigh as I take the dog lead off the hook and search for a ball. “Come on,” I say to NL, who has started to drool. “At least if there’s another poo on the grass I’ve got it covered.”

“How?” asks NG with interest, dropping a large dollop of yoghurt on the floor. Before NL can swoop, I flounce my skirt over it watch it settle like a mother hen over the mess.

“Mummy, that’s amazing!” NG says approvingly, and reaches for her Peppa Pig face cooler.

“Thank you darling,” I say, reaching for the toy before she has a chance to press the button. “But we don’t need this. You’re my best fan. Let’s put this one away until I’ve given it a good wash.”

____________________________________________________________________________

KEY TO CHARACTERS

Characters are abbreviated as follows:

NW – not William (husband and father)

NG – not George (daughter, sister and two and three quarter year old)

NC – not Charlotte (son, brother and eight month old)

NL – not Lupo (a Labrador)

A Mum Track Mind
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Rhyming with Wine
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30 Comments

  1. May 28, 2016 / 12:16 pm

    I’m sure you rocked the maxi skirt, it clearly hides all sorts of sins, something the Duchess must have discovered too. #fortheloveofBLOG

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

    • May 28, 2016 / 3:53 pm

      Thank you Nadia – I know it is a pretty horrible post; sorry it’s so yucky! #fortheloveofblog

  2. May 29, 2016 / 1:16 pm

    I bet you looked gorgeous!

    • May 29, 2016 / 1:23 pm

      Haha! Actually not … it had a large hole in the back which I didn’t notice until later but thank you! xxx

  3. May 29, 2016 / 2:11 pm

    Well i just don’t know what to say to this! It made me chuckle as well as being a bit grossed out! xx

    thanks for linking up with #stayclassy

    • May 29, 2016 / 7:33 pm

      Oh, I’m glad you chuckled – I know it it seriously horrible but sometimes parenting is! 🙂 xx

  4. May 30, 2016 / 6:59 am

    OMG! My dog has a ha it of eating horse poop but thankfully not human poop. That’s a classic tale that will no doubt go down in the family folklore. ⭐️

  5. May 30, 2016 / 7:11 am

    We are potty training at the moment, too, and T seems to enjoy free-range pooing. Had one on the lawn the other day, one on the lounge rug. One on the futon… I may have to invest in a maxi dress myself…

    • May 30, 2016 / 3:01 pm

      Oh, I feel your pain … we had one in the pub garden yesterday (no dogs around, thankfully). It has to get better soon, right?! xx

  6. May 30, 2016 / 3:20 pm

    *gags slightly* erm, well at least it will save you a fortune in nappy bags? Love a good maxi dress, I always feel a bit like Elsa in one. I bet Kate has yogurt on the bottom of hers too…

    Thanks for linking up with #fartglitter hun xx

    • May 30, 2016 / 7:36 pm

      No problem and thanks for reading to the end … not the most tasteful of posts, I know. #fartglitter

  7. May 30, 2016 / 3:47 pm

    Ha ha, love it, I can’t get the image out of my head of dog eating poo….maybe (hopefully!) I will by dinner! 😳
    Mainy
    #kcacols

  8. May 31, 2016 / 7:49 am

    Can’t go wrong with a maxi skirt/dress covers a multitude of sins and mess. I am some what relieved to realise that my child isn’t the only that sees a park and straight away needs to poo. It was happening to us, Youngest would get to the top of and slide, shout that she had just done a poo in her knickers and then go down the slide before I could shout “noooooooo”. Such fun #chucklemums

    • May 31, 2016 / 10:23 am

      Oh goodness, that sounds awful … I think that might be us in a few hours’ time. By the way, loving your films! I keep meaning to comment on instagram and then something happens like the dog eats the biscuit dough (just now). Will have a proper look soon I PROMISE!!

  9. May 31, 2016 / 11:29 am

    Hilarious, so funny! It can’t have been at the time, but reading it has made me chuckle. I would have been mortified if that was me – firstly for child going for poo in the park, and then the dog eating it. I hope you had a glass of wine that evening. Thanks for sharing another fab post with us at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    • May 31, 2016 / 4:45 pm

      Thank you thank you Claire. Oh yes, SEVERAL glasses of wine were consumed, I assure you. xxx

  10. May 31, 2016 / 12:05 pm

    Ah, I have one of those dogs, although fox and cat poo are his favourites and he only gets toddler poo as a real treat.

    They’re awful beasts. Dogs and toddlers.

    Thanks for linking with #chucklemums! 🙂

    • May 31, 2016 / 4:44 pm

      Oh, I know – I read your post – fox poo also a favourite of NL’s. Urgh. xxx

  11. May 31, 2016 / 4:14 pm

    Oh my god this is hilarious! I cannot believe that happened – actually I can believe it. Oh the joys of potty training kids! That’s cool that there is a portable one (I’m still new to all of this, my son is only 5 months haha). Side note: I really want to get a maxi dress, aren’t they handy? lol I love your posts so much, I’m so excited about the fact you are a signed author. : ) (…haha still pumped). Also, your daughter is adorable. Thanks for sharing with #StayClassy!

    • May 31, 2016 / 4:40 pm

      Haha – thank you, thank you – it is highly exciting but won’t stop me writing posts like this one as they keep me sane in the mad world I inhabit at the moment (like all of us!) Thanks for hosting – I love your link! #stayclassy

  12. June 1, 2016 / 3:47 pm

    Hahahah, oh I’ve missed you Poppy. Dogs are so grim, my sisters dog once ran off with a sh1tty nappy and dismembered it behind the sofa – we didnt realise until the smell hit us! #chucklemums

  13. June 2, 2016 / 7:37 am

    Hah! That’s a lot of poo to deal with! Hope the second walk went well. #KCACOLS x

  14. June 3, 2016 / 10:57 am

    Oh my word, we’ve been debating potty training with our 2 year old but reading this has made me want to keep waiting just a little bit longer! x #KCACOLS

  15. June 3, 2016 / 3:27 pm

    Still laughing #KCACOLS

  16. June 3, 2016 / 10:24 pm

    You made me properly snort at this, Polly. My husband kept asking what I was laughing at and I tried to deflect because I am obviously far too grown up and responsible to be laughing helplessly about poo stories.

    See, I’m always saying that people shouldn’t let dogs lick their faces and this is exactly what I am talking about! Point proven! 😉

    Great stuff. #KCACOLS

  17. June 16, 2016 / 7:30 am

    This is so good, how have I only just read it?! And to be fair, even if you did take the travel potty with you, you’d have only slung the turd into some bushes anyway so really you just cut out the middleman. Or maybe I’m just vile.

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