Tears and Toddlers at the Taj Mahal

“They’re not visiting the Taj Mahal until next Saturday,” I say. We are at an Indian restaurant of the same name and I am regaling my mother with interesting facts about the Duke & Duchess’ India tour itinerary whilst we wait for our food to arrive. We’re lucky that it caters for kids. Mini poppadoms, chips, high chairs, colouring books … it’s a shame all NG wants to do is hide out in the smokers’ tent playing hide and seek with herself.

NC taj mahal

NC looking regal. Or like he’s about to be sick.

“Who will sit on the bench, then?” asks my mum, steadying NC, who is sitting on NW’s shoulders, and has consumed a third of a blue paper serviette. He looks queasy, but it could just be the infrared heater light. “Because if they’re going to re-enact the photograph of Diana, it’ll have to be just one of them.”

“I KNOW, RIGHT?” I love my mum. No-one else can fake ‘interested’ when I prattle like this as well as she can. “I bet they’ve had a row about it.”

“How do you think it went?”

I adopt a face I think the Duke of Cambridge might make when he’s being serious. “Kate. Diana was my mother, you know.” I change to a squeaky soprano, “Oh, but my hair will look stunning against the temples.” I become the Duke again, “don’t be rude, darling. I’m trying that hair stuff you gave me. My head just glistens, especially in the heat.”

My mother snorts. Our chips arrive. NG crawls out from beneath a table, covered in ash.

“Come here,” says NW. “You’re very mucky.” He sighs. “Didn’t you say they’re ‘making new memories’? So surely it will be both of them sitting there, with matching neck-wear and grins.”

NG slides behind me and starts tickling my ear with an old cigarette butt. “Please stop that,” I say. “That’s nasty.”

“Oh, but I LOIIIIKE doing it,” she says in her best Bing Bunny voice.

“And I told you I can’t stand that voice,” I say sternly. NW mutters something under his breath which might indicate he’s not keen on my KMiddy one either, but I ignore it.

Taj Mahal squash

The Duke & Duchess were wise to leave the children at home.

“Come here,” I say, as a rush of love overwhelms me. I sweep NC off his father’s shoulders and pull NG onto my lap. “They should go completely by themselves – no photographers, even. The best thing they could do is take a selfie.” I angle my phone to demonstrate and admire NC’s enormous eyes in the screen.

Unfortunately, I don’t register that NC’s finger is being squashed between the bench and my back. I am suddenly aware of the screaming. I put the phone down and her face resumes its normal colour. She is panting lightly but there is no damage done.

“Sorry, darling,” I say. “Have some naan.”

“Mummy … wha’ happened?”

“You got yourself trapped and, like a very famous lady who is dead now, even though you are with people whom you assumed love you, you couldn’t escape. So when I took this picture of you on the bench, you look sad.”

We eat in silence. I’m pretty sure all the adults around the table take a minute to absorb the significance of the comment I have just made.

_____________________________________________________________________________

KEY TO CHARACTERS

Characters are abbreviated as follows:

NW – not William (husband and father)

NG – not George (daughter, sister and two and a half year old)

NC – not Charlotte (son, brother and six month old)

NL – not Lupo (a Labrador)

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48 Comments

  1. April 10, 2016 / 8:55 am

    This had me crying with laughter on my own in the kitchen. Another cracker 🙂

    • April 10, 2016 / 8:37 pm

      I’m so glad! I think we were probably crying together in the kitchen at the same time – I was so tired!! x

  2. April 10, 2016 / 3:12 pm

    Hehe, this cracked me up. I especially love the caption on that top photo 😀

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x

  3. April 11, 2016 / 10:58 am

    Read this yesterday and LOVED it. Had me snorting out my diet coke, (not very attractive) and getting some rather bemused looks from the other half.

    I always love your posts 🙂 Genius again.

  4. April 11, 2016 / 10:58 am

    whoops I should add #bigpinklink

  5. April 11, 2016 / 7:06 pm

    Haha, love how imaginative and creative your posts are. Had me snickering away. Thanks for linking to #MarvMondays! Kaye xo

  6. April 11, 2016 / 7:07 pm

    too funny … again … love the ‘everyone getting involved in role playing’ #bigpinklink

    • April 11, 2016 / 7:57 pm

      Thanks so much 🙂 – yep; my poor family have to suffer the role play onslaught fairly frequently … #bigpinklink

  7. April 11, 2016 / 8:23 pm

    Genius!! Always so creative and funny! I wish I had your imagination…! Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!

  8. April 11, 2016 / 9:20 pm

    Awww, poor wee finger, I bet that never happens to Charlotte or George! 🙂 #MarvMondays

    • April 11, 2016 / 9:39 pm

      Probably not … too many people watching the royal digits 🙂 #MarvMondays

  9. April 11, 2016 / 9:35 pm

    Hahaha I loved this great post, really enjoyed reading it. Ps love the regal stance of NC. #marvmondays

    • April 11, 2016 / 9:38 pm

      Ah, thank you – he DOES look regal, doesn’t he? Never noticed before … 🙂 #marvmondays

  10. April 12, 2016 / 9:07 am

    Thank you soooo much for linking up to the very first #chucklemums! <3 all your posts

    • April 12, 2016 / 10:29 am

      It is SUCH a great idea and I’m so glad there’s now a linky for all things fun. God knows we mothers need it!! Hope it is a huge success – I’m sure it will be 🙂 #chucklemums

  11. April 12, 2016 / 9:13 am

    You are so very funny and SO very imaginative. Love it. #chucklemums

    • April 12, 2016 / 10:25 am

      Oh, thank you – I am really just incredibly sleep deprived! #chucklemums

  12. April 12, 2016 / 9:53 am

    😀 Brillint, I always love reading your posts – Maybe because I have a NW, NG, NC and NL of my very own 😉
    Thanks for linking to #chucklemums

    • April 12, 2016 / 10:28 am

      Excelleny – it’s fun isn’t it? If a little bit bonkers, especially when NL’s lead gets tangled around the high chair like it is at the moment … better go! #chucklemums

  13. April 12, 2016 / 11:50 am

    Another brilliant one!

    I love that your humour follows where my train of thought was inadvertendly heading !

    • April 12, 2016 / 5:47 pm

      Ah, thank you gorgeous … all down to sleep deprivation and wine 🙂 xx

  14. April 12, 2016 / 7:58 pm

    This made me giggle, love the selfie…poor NC!
    And the message at the end…wow deep, and so so royal.
    Looking forward to taking myself on a mosey round your blog now, think I’m going to become your new fan!
    #chucklemums

    • April 12, 2016 / 9:30 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, the message at the end is a bit *risque* but I couldn’t not write it(!) Thanks for such a lovely comment! #chucklemums

  15. April 13, 2016 / 7:36 am

    Hehe, love your posts & everyone’s names. Very creative 🙂
    #KCACOLS

  16. April 13, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    Brilliant, I love the way you write! Was NG born around a similar time as HRH G?
    I was going to start a blog around that time as I was pregnant at the same time as Kate and I thought it would be fun to do a contrast between me and her (me at 41, surprise but much wanted pregnancy, on a complete shoestring), needless to say I didn’t get round to it ha ha.

    #bigpinklink

    • April 14, 2016 / 6:01 am

      Oh, thank you – that’s lovely! Yes, NG was born 11 days earlier than Prince G – I really thought it would be the same day but she was early and he was late. That would have been an excellent idea for a blog … I think we’re of the same mindset! Thanks again for a lovely comment 🙂 #bigpinklink

  17. April 14, 2016 / 7:14 am

    First time I’ve read one of your posts but really made me smile. Thanks for sharing #coolmumclub

  18. April 14, 2016 / 7:31 am

    I am PRAYING that they do a Taj Mahal Diana shot, the two of them in matching polo necks and grins. That would be perfect, and not cheesy AT ALL. Love it.

    • April 14, 2016 / 9:41 am

      Oh, that would be fabulous, wouldn’t it!! I am holding out for it too … watch at wait; Saturday’s the day! xx

  19. April 14, 2016 / 4:34 pm

    Haha you always make me laugh, love the bit about his glistening head!! 😂 #coolmumclub

  20. April 14, 2016 / 4:51 pm

    Oh you do make me laugh, I always enjoy your posts #KCACOLS

  21. April 15, 2016 / 4:10 am

    Aren’t outings with little ones so much fun??? *grits teeth* For me, just getting them in and out of the car takes adds hours into any given day out. Popping over from #BloggerUKClub

  22. April 17, 2016 / 11:57 am

    Can you imagine trying to take a family photo at the taj? It’s impossible to get my two both looking at the camera and smiling at the same time. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  23. April 18, 2016 / 12:45 pm

    Bahahaha classic stuff! So very funny. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

    • April 19, 2016 / 4:27 am

      Thanks Talya – a pleasure; thanks as always for hosting! #coolmumclub

  24. April 18, 2016 / 6:26 pm

    Funny and poignant, you are a brilliant writer, thank you for linking up to #Brilliantblogposts -this really touched me x

    • April 19, 2016 / 4:25 am

      Thank you Vicki, coming from you that is SUCH a compliment; thank you! #Brilliantblogposts

  25. April 19, 2016 / 9:48 am

    Brilliantly funny as always lovely. The looking regal or about to be sick made me laugh out loud! Thanks so much for linking up with us at #bloggerclubuk x

    • April 19, 2016 / 1:14 pm

      Thanks Becky – very kind of you. You are the queen of quality newbie help, that’s for sure! #bloggerclubuk

  26. May 19, 2016 / 8:41 pm

    Brilliant, and I loved your comment right at the end. Thanks so much for being our Newbie for #PoCoLo. It’s been fab!

    • May 20, 2016 / 4:25 am

      Oh, thank you! And thank you so much for having me … I LOVE your linky! 🙂 #PoCoLo

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